Questions of Intimacy
Some thoughts on first dates and the gap between expectations
I have noticed a trend of late on a few dates where the grounds for intimacy haven’t even been laid before a person declares there ‘isn’t a spark’. Perhaps this is some elaborate metaphor for my discomfort with rejection, or maybe a realisation I sit somewhere on the demisexual side of things, but, it’s left me with a concern that when meeting a stranger from a dating app, people are expecting immediate fireworks, or that they do not want to risk the time or themselves in finding an alternative.
It’s surprised me how much this has stuck with me today. I believe intimacy and trust is earned, and someone has to be willing, not so much to *work* for it, but to be interested enough to stick around and trust that there are multiplicities to my personality that you won’t discover on the first meeting.
Things take time. What provides the whiplash is the speed at which people are ready to say no, not considering that a second encounter could be markedly different based on the very fact that there has been a first.
This is not apologism for pushiness. If someone says they aren’t interested, you leave it at that. But, I think slowness — if you can even call the desire for more than one meeting to determine romance, slow — is an entirely reasonable stance.
Attraction is complex; we all work on different timelines and different expectations of immediate or emotional connection, and surely where disconnection happens is in the gap that we do not communicate, or even consider.
The language of a ‘spark’ is not one that is shared, it is a vast umbrella term which can mean such different things to different people, and intimacy is built when we willingly come together and learn what that is for one another in those early stages.
I think unless people are having very vulnerable conversations on a first date, that gap isn’t typically acknowledged. There needs to be a mutual understanding or commitment to the finding out, before a spark can really take off past initial drunkenness or horniness. Hell, these days I am happy to be patient, and not place the pressure on myself to have a fireworks blazing, the stars come out and the sun finally meets the moon, first date with someone. As long as you are not a dodgy person, and I have some vein of curiosity, I will probably see you again and field out how I feel.
Anyway, just a thought. I’d be interested to learn if you have similar feelings or conflicting experiences. Sexuality is such a spectrum but I find myself frustrated at the speed and convenience expected of us in knowing and articulating our desires after one or two hours sat at a table on a workday evening.
As always, take care,
Eden x
P.S. My honest advice would be to go forth and meet people. It really is quite wonderful how meaningful engagement, or the lack of it sometimes can fuel your brain to make new connections and reflect on what it is that you want. I wrote all this after one encounter yesterday. Isn’t that cool. Infinitely better, in my mind, than apathy or sluggishness. Thank you world!